From Darth Vader to Deeper Connection: Why Leaders Must Develop Self-Awareness
Human beings are complex creatures.
For a long time, I assumed that everyone had the natural ability to feel what others feel—to pick up on emotions, empathize, and respond with compassion. It seemed like a basic part of being human.
But I was wrong.
Not everyone experiences emotions the same way. And not everyone can easily sense when someone else is hurting, disappointed, or simply feeling unseen. I learned this truth through someone I’ll call Michael.
Michael is bright, driven, and intellectually sharp. But despite all that, he struggles deeply with empathy. Not because he doesn’t care—quite the opposite. He’s frustrated that he can’t understand how others feel. He wants to connect. He wants to empathize. But he doesn’t know how. He often asked me, “Why do people feel so hurt by something I didn’t even think was a big deal?”
Michael reminds me of Darth Vader—strong, driven, but emotionally distant. Like Vader, he doesn’t mean to hurt others; he just hasn’t learned how to feel with them. In the DiSC model, Vader would be a Dominance (D) style—direct, decisive, and focused on results. Michael shares these traits, but his lack of empathy holds him back.
So, where does someone like Michael begin?
The answer: Self-awareness.
What Holds Us Back from Awareness?
In No Limits: Blow the Cap Off Your Capacity, John Maxwell writes that the biggest barrier to growth isn’t desire—it’s awareness. People don’t become self-aware by accident. And worse, there are forces working against us:
- Making excuses
- Living in unrealistic success fantasies
- Talking without truly listening
- Carrying unresolved emotional baggage
- Constant self-distraction
- Avoiding personal reflection
- Resisting feedback and experience
Sound familiar?
If we don’t intentionally push past these, we risk being stuck—powerful but emotionally limited. Just like Michael. Just like Vader.
How Do You Become More Self-Aware?
In No Limits, John Maxwell outlines a path to self-awareness that’s not just theoretical—it’s transformational. I’ve seen this process work in real life, and it begins with intentionality.
1. Welcome Feedback from Mentors and Coaches
Growth begins where comfort ends. To become more self-aware, you must be open to feedback from people you trust—mentors, coaches, and wise friends. Their insights help you see what you can’t see on your own.
2. Acknowledge the Cost of Unawareness
Without self-awareness, you put a ceiling on your growth. You may unknowingly limit your relationships, leadership, and impact. But once you recognize this blind spot, you give yourself permission to change—and that’s where breakthrough begins.
3. Engage in Meaningful Experiences
Growth doesn’t happen in theory. It happens in the messy, meaningful moments of life—when you’re challenged, stretched, and reflecting on your own reactions. Step into situations that require you to pay attention and adapt.
4. Allow Coaches to Ask the Hard Questions
Self-awareness grows when you’re coached and asked the right questions—
“How do you think your words affected that person?” “What do you notice when others respond strongly to you?”
A skilled coach doesn’t give you answers—they help you find your own.
5. Pause to Review and Reflect
Don’t rush past your growth moments. Take time to review your experiences, ask what you learned, and consider what you’ll do differently next time. This step is where awareness turns into transformation.
6. Make It a Habit
Self-awareness is not a one-time breakthrough. It’s a discipline—a way of thinking and living. The most effective leaders reflect regularly, ask for feedback often, and never stop learning about themselves.
What Happens When You Grow in Self-Awareness?
Here’s the good news: when leaders like you become more self-aware, everything shifts.
You learn to listen better You build deeper relationships You can lead with empathy You can communicate with clarity You create healthier teams You grow personally—and so does their business
More than that, you move from simply getting things done to helping people grow. And that’s the kind of leadership that lasts.
Final Thought:
“You must know yourself to grow yourself.”
— John C. Maxwell
If you’re struggling to connect, don’t beat yourself up. Awareness is a skill. And like all skills, it can be learned.
You don’t have to be stuck. You don’t have to be Darth Vader.
You just have to start becoming aware.
